Funny Quotes

Created on 22 March, 2025 • 31 views • 4 minutes read

Here are some funny quotes that might give you a chuckle.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,

is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Douglas Adams

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."

Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Woody Allen

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.

Brian Pickrell

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Frank Zappa

I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.

Anonymous

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Lawrence Peter (Yogi) Berra

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Anonymous

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Ursula K. LeGuin

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

W. C. Fields

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

Samuel Butler

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Carl Sagan

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

Gordon R. Dickson

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Will Durant

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

Anonymous

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Carl Gustav Jung

If a person wants to be atheistic, it's his God-given right to be an atheist.

Michael Patton

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Ogden Nash

Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

Cincinnati Enquirer

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do.

Dale Carnegie

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.

W. C. Fields

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlen

I can give you a definite perhaps.

Samuel Goldwyn

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Samuel Goldwyn

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?

Stanislaw Lec

Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.

Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken

Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.

Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.

Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken

A human being. . . An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.

Christopher Morley

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Mark Twain

Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Mark Twain

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.

Colonel Gerald Wellman

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Unknowns

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

Unknown